The Meaning of Courage
by EsmeAmelia
Summary: AU. When driving Snoke out of his head lands young Ben Solo in the hospital, he gains some insight from a friendly nurse.


AN: I don't own Star Wars, I don't own Star Wars, I don't own Star Wars. I wrote this as a gift for my friend RensKnight. She and I share an AU in which child Ben actually told his parents about Snoke and after a lot of struggle, Luke, Leia, and Han succeeded in driving Snoke out Ben's mind, but Ben ended up in the hospital after the incident caused a seizure. Nurse Mychatt is her OC.

"The Meaning of Courage"

By EsmeAmelia

Six-year-old Ben was alone.

Well no, he wasn't really alone. His dad was sleeping next to him, giving those familiar snores that lulled Ben to sleep on many a night after a bad dream, his protective arm wrapped around his son. Usually Ben felt safe in his father's arms – well, safer than he felt alone in his own bed, but tonight was different. Tonight they were sleeping in a hospital room with funny smells and loud beeping and voices in the hall and darkness. A lot of darkness. At home the windows let in the lights from nighttime traffic, so it was never _completely_ dark, but here it felt like the blackness was trying to creep into his mind like that scary voice did.

What if the voice came back tonight?

He squeezed Han's limp hand, running his fingers over his callouses, wanting to wake him up, but he stopped himself from doing so. Neither Han nor Leia had gotten much sleep since the incident that had landed Ben here and though he was sure that Han _would_ hug him and comfort him if he woke him up, he could sense that his father was deeply asleep for perhaps the first time since the incident. No matter how much Han might want to _always_ be there to comfort his son, he still needed his sleep, so Ben figured that he should let his dad rest.

But that still left him alone.

No, wait, there was that button that the doctors had told him to press if he needed anything. Did being scared during the night count as needing something? After a few moments of thinking, Ben decided that yes, it did count, and pressed down on the button, which made a buzzing noise. Han grunted at the noise, which made Ben hold his breath, but to his relief Han didn't wake up.

It was only a few minutes before the door slid open and one of Ben's nurses, a Grindalid man named Nurse Mychatt, appeared in the doorway. Ben was glad that his father was asleep – Han appreciated Nurse Mychatt's kindness, of course, but Ben always sensed that the nurse made his father uneasy due to unpleasant memories of another Grindalid named Lady Proxima.

Of course, Nurse Mychatt could be scary anyway, given that he had to completely cover his body and wear a mask in order to protect himself from the sun, but that didn't bother Ben, since he could feel friendliness radiate off the nurse.

"Ben?" Nurse Mychatt asked. "Is something wrong?"

Ben gulped. "I . . . I can't sleep . . . I'm scared . . ." Just saying the words _I'm scared_ felt like removing his clothes in front of strangers. The voice always told him that his fear made him weak.

Nurse Mychatt's voice was gentle as he stepped up to the bed. "What are you scared of?"

Suddenly Ben was cold, as if a gust of wind had blown under the blankets. "I-If I fall asleep, the dreams will come back. The voice will try to _take_ me again."

Only too late did Ben realize that he'd said too much. The doctors didn't know about the voice – they thought he'd only had something called a "seizure." Ben felt a sudden burst of shock pulsing off the nurse – what would he say?

"The voice?" Nurse Mychatt finally asked, his voice gentle as if hearing voices was normal. "Do you want to tell me about this voice?"

" _Never tell anyone about me,"_ the voice used to say. _"Or there will be consequences."_

And there _were_ consequences. Ben wanted to shrink under the covers at the thought of the voice taking him again. "I-I . . . someone used to talk to me inside my head. At first I thought it was a friend who was gonna help me with my nightmares, b-but he turned out to be a very _bad_ person." He couldn't stop himself from trembling under the covers and gripping his father's arm for support. "H-he got _inside me_ a-and made me say nasty things to my parents . . ." His voice broke into a sob, blocking any further words.

"It's all right, it's all right," Mychatt whispered. "You can cry."

" _Crying reveals your weakness and lets others take advantage of it."_ Remembering the voice's words only pushed more hot tears out of his eyes. Weak. The word pulsed in his mind. Weak, weak, weak . . . he _was_ weak. He'd been so terrified of his nightmares that he stupidly believed that the voice was going to help him and he'd almost . . . almost . . .

"I'm weak!" he suddenly cried out without meaning to.

"No you're not," said Nurse Mychatt. "Anyone can have a seizure."

"No, I _am_ weak! All this happened cause I was so scared of my nightmares – and I'm _still_ scared! If I hadn't been so scared, none of this would've happened!" The sobs broke into his voice again, hurting his head and his throat.

But then he felt a gloved hand gently running down his head. "Ben, listen to me. You're _not_ weak. Being scared is _natural._ "

"The voice said being scared is weak."

"Then the voice is an _idiot._ Fear is one of those things that helps you _feel."_

"What if I don't _want_ to feel?"

"Ben, why wouldn't you want to feel?"

"Cause feeling _hurts!_ " The last word came out much louder than intended, loud enough to cause Han to twitch in his sleep, though he didn't wake up.

He felt Nurse Mychatt staring at him, which only tensed up his muscles even more. The word repeated itself in his mind again: weak, weak, weak, _weak!_

But then there was a twitch in his mind, then something flowed in, words that weren't his own. _What a brave little boy._

The child gulped down something that was trying to inch its way up his throat. "B-brave?" he choked out. "I-I'm not brave."

There came a small sigh from under the nurse's mask. "Your mom told me about why your dad might be afraid of me," he said in a gentle voice, gesturing in Han's direction.

"What's that gotta do with anything?"

"A lot," said Nurse Mychatt, and Ben could _feel_ the smile in his words. "You're dad's scared of me – and I don't blame him after the way that other Grindalid treated him – but he still lets me take care of you."

"So?"

"So that means your dad's brave." Ben felt the nurse's smile growing warmer. "Like how you were scared of your nightmares and the voice, but you still told your parents about it."

"H-how do you . . .?"

"Your uncle told me about how your seizure was . . . a little more complicated than just a regular seizure."

"He did?" Ben had thought it was supposed to be a secret, but he supposed that Uncle Luke would want at least one person to know the details in case the voice came back – just thinking of that made him shiver again.

"Ben," the nurse continued, "when you face something you're scared of, _that's_ when you're being _truly_ brave."

It made a certain amount of sense. After all, his dad had to struggle to overcome his fear of Nurse Mychatt – he'd sensed the struggle. Yet he still spoke with the nurse and let him take care of Ben, knowing that Nurse Mychatt wasn't anything like Lady Proxima.

Uncle Luke talked a lot about how Jedi were supposed to overcome their fears. Not that the Jedi didn't _have_ fear, but that they were supposed to _overcome_ it. Meaning they still felt afraid, just like he did.

They still felt afraid . . .

Uncle Luke also said that the Jedi actually _had_ acted on their fear when they expected their members to cut themselves away from family and friends and all attachments. In fact, Uncle Luke said, the old Order's fear might have been partly responsible for how Ben's grandfather had fallen to the dark side.

"Everyone feels afraid, Ben," Nurse Mychatt said in that gentle voice. "It's what you _do_ about your fear that makes you brave." _Brave child. Very brave child, how could anyone be such a BASTARD that they'd try to manipulate such an innocent soul?_

Ben jumped a little when he heard the nurse think a word that his parents said was a bad word, but maybe the voice deserved to be called a bad word. He felt a wave of anger flowing off of the nurse – anger at the voice even though the nurse had never heard him or encountered him in any other way.

"Well," the nurse said, "do you think you can sleep now?"

The smile that Ben still felt emanating from the nurse helped him smile himself. "Yeah, I think so. Thanks." He let his head sink back down into the pillow, snuggling back into his father's arms as Nurse Mychatt left the room.

Only then did he realize that Han wasn't snoring anymore.

Once the nurse was gone, Han squeezed his son in his best Dad embrace and planted a big wet kiss on Ben's cheek. "You're a _very_ brave boy, son. Don't let anyone ever tell you otherwise."

A big grin formed on Ben's face as he squeezed his father's hand. "And you're a brave dad."

THE END


End file.
